Faith is an odd thing at this point in my life. I've had the hardest time explaining death to my children. The concept that your spirit is not attached to your body is mystifying to a 6 year old. Sometimes they think Wyatt's body is in the urn, sometimes my daughter thinks a person doesn't go to heaven until they put their body in the ground. I had already explained cremation last week to my daughter but I had to endure that talk once again today when she looked at me and said "You didn't burn him, did you?!". How does a mommy answer that? What kind of a mom gets her baby burned down? I tried to explain souls vs. a human body using the analogy of a car without a driver, but that didn't work at all.
As if the conversation with my kids wasn't defeating enough I found myself hardly believing what I was saying at all. "Heaven is better than earth, we don't need our bodies there, Wyatt is in a great place...blah blah blah". It doesn't feel like Wyatt is in a better place. It didn't look like Wyatt was taken anywhere by anyone loving. He just looked blue. And bluer and bluer as the day went on. And did you know that ALL the bodily fluids come out after death, not just urine? So my poor baby continued to get a bloody nose throughout the day as we spent time with him. Who am I kidding? We're not spiritual beings. We're just smarter animals walking around the planet. Our bodies do very animalistic things after we die. We're just bodies, I've never felt it more. Following all of the tough questions from my children came out nightly Bible stories. My daughter picked starting at the begininng with Adam and Eve again. I've never read a Bible story and not believed it...until tonight. As I read to her about the serpent and the garden I thought to myself, "what a load". Seriously. Why would God stick a tree in the garden that the only two people on the planet weren't allowed to eat? Why even put it there? And then why punish them when you're the one who put it there? And if Jesus died so we could all go to heaven what happened to everyone in the old testament? That doesn't seem fair. And if he's such a loving and merciful God why would he put Job through all of the things that he did? he didn't have to strike a deal with the devil. He didn't have to send Jesus, he could've snapped his fingers and changed the rules. He only needed Jesus's blood because he made that up. I'm tired of hearing that God loves my dead son more than I do and that God lost a son, too. Well, only because he said that was the way it had to be. None of this makes sense to me anymore. I can't imagine not teaching it to my children because I can't fathom teaching them there is no hope.
On top of everything that has happened we've also taken three trips to the hospital for a uterine infection that went undetected. Focus on Wyatt and our family has been side-tracked by my difficult recovery. My milk continues to come in even though there is no baby. And although I can't imagine ever being pregnant again I get extremely angry thinking of the fact that I've lost the ability to give birth for the rest of my life. Due to Wyatt's size he required a classical c-section that prevents any chance of any other vaginal birth. It's all insult to injury. I've never had more support or more people praying for me and my family in my entire life and I've never felt more punished by God or fate or whatever it is exactly.
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