Catching Up...

I cannot believe how much time has passed since I’ve last posted. There’s so much to say and yet I only want to say what is meaningful. Luke, our son, is amazing. He is healthy, and huge, and wonderful. For how small and premature he was he has none of the issues that he could have. One more blessing from the Lord. He is currently ten months old with his adjusted age being 7 months. He has brought me so much love and so many challenges. I’ve learned that having a preemie is comparable to having a newborn for a much longer period of time. It has tested my patience, caused me worry, and then caused me joy when we meet our milestones. I’ve learned that regular baby shampoo on a biracial baby is not a good idea. It makes a large, dry mess. Luke and I have experimented with Shea Butter and Kinky Kurly products and he looks so handsome. I have learned how to field questions, sometimes wonderful and sometimes so rude you can hardly get yourself to speak. We have started being able to get out of the house more, taking trips to the library, the Grand Canyon, and Sea World just this past week. I feel so blessed to be able to shower this little man with love and opportunity. Not because I am amazing, but because God is amazing. And God must have very special plans for little Luke.

As for panic and anxiety, that has been a journey in and of itself. That’s just what it was: panic due to trauma. It started years ago with our first trauma, and was intensified with each subsequent trauma. When I suffered the drug reaction it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It has been scary, on the days when my body does not know that I am not under attack. It has been rewarding the moments when I can overcome it. I asked a good doctor at one point why God would allow this to happen now, when I’ve just been given this huge blessing. He told me directly, “You’ve lived it. You’re learning to understand it. And you’ll be able to smell panic from a mile away. One day you’ll help someone through it”. I am not far enough in this journey to know what the complete purpose it and I have had a hard time accepting it. At some moments the symptoms can be so great that I have told God I don’t want to do His purpose. I do not want to help others with their trauma and panic. I just want to live. I have spent nights shaking in panic and fear, crying asking God, “Why?! Haven’t I gone through enough?” I discovered that I can go 4 days without sleep when my body is too terrified to let me sleep. And somehow through it all He has helped me to keep breathing. Keep walking. Keep going. And I don’t know why. I found myself reading Job not long ago and after 38 chapters of Job crying out in agony, God finally responds.

“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Do you know how its dimensions were determined and who did the surveying? What supports its foundations and who laid it’s cornerstone as the morning stars sand together and all the angels shouted for joy?” Job 38:1-6

Who am I to ask what His plans are? Who am I determine what is fair or to tell God what to do? Job replies:

“I am nothing-how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.” Job 40:3-5

I have spent the past eight months wondering why this would happen when I wanted to be doing God’s work. I want to be praising Him. I could not understand why He would allow even MORE things to happen in my life that would keep me operating at my full capacity. I would be lying if I said I had complete peace with it now. I am still tired by it and I still have moments where I look to the sky and shake my head. If my absence from this blog, however, was enough to ruin God’s plans, than I have made myself too big and my God too small. I may not like it, but I am no one to argue.

I still want to do big things for God. Hubby is currently working on a mission’s trip to Cuba and we continue to sponsor children through Compassion International. As if my plate weren’t full enough I find that I am beginning to scan the horizon for our path. I don’t know if its future adoptions or foster parenting or mission work. I don’t know and I won’t pretend to know. I just want God to guide my feet down the right path. So until I know where our next stop lies I will continue to rejoice in Luke, in my family, and in my life. Even when it feels like I don’t want to.