Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas, Capitalism, and Christianity

I've really been enjoying this Christmas season! Being physically better, more emotionally healed from losing Wyatt and having my husband home (finally!) has given me my "spunk" back to bake cookies, decorate, and watch Christmas specials.

Something came to my attention this year, though, and it has been a season of transition for me (although the kids love every minute of it!). Considering my newfound relationship with Jesus, I really want Christmas to be about him. The problem, however, is that I've spent my adult years falling into the standard American rat race with our Christmas celebrations. I didn't grow up believing in Santa and I never wanted my kids to. When I met hubby, however, he seemed to think I was depriving them of a childhood joy. I reluctantly agreed, so for the past few years we've done the standard run around; buying special wrapping paper, leaving reindeer food on the lawn, tracking Santa on NORAD....you get the picture. I discovered that it wasn't very enjoyable and that my children are far too intelligent for a ploy like Santa. I think most kids probably are if we didn't constantly counter their questions with silly lies. This year I was done. They started in on their questions and I blew Santa's cover. We then got on the computer and talked about the real St. Nicholas and his charitable heart. My children took the news very well since logically that all made more sense to them. I think they appreciated the truth at last, even though I couldn't apologize enough. I don't see how I can tell them Christmas is all about Jesus when we are busy warning them about a creepy old man who can see and hear everything they do. Especially since I've taught them that God is the only one who can do that.

 After the "talk" was over I began to wonder how I could instill the true meaning of Christmas into my household. I found several other blog postings through facebook on this very topic so I eargerly started to read them. One was particularly well written and I agreed with much of the first half of it. This mother wrote about how for the first few years with their kids they went nuts with presents. Yup, did that. Then she mentioned the difficulty in having your child turn 9 or 10, telling them there is no Santa, and they now need to stop being greedy. Yup, that makes perfect sense to me. It's taken me years to undo the "gimmies" and lack of care for your belongings that I began to inadvertantly teach my children. Then, in her opinion, to put Jesus back into Christmas they weren't going to be giving anymore presents or making special food etc. in order to have a Christmas worthy of our humble Savior. Wait........what?? Now this isn't me pausing because, darnit, I really enjoy getting crap on Christmas and I don't want to give up my diamonds and video games. This is me pausing because honestly, that sounds like the most boring birthday party ever! So I had to think, what does our Savior mean to me?

Well, for starters, He has become my closest friend, my one source of unconditional love, my Creator, He created my children and is graciously allowing me to care for them, He is the source of the beauty of the earth all around me, He is the maker of my husband and granted me the gift of his companionship, and just when life super sucks and I can't take it anymore, I know that I get to dwell in heavenly places, places I don't deserve to even be, all because of Jesus.......in short, the source of all my joy comes from Jesus and what He did. Considering all of this, I don't feel the need for mourning on Jesus' birthday. I have this interesting visual of the man on the Da Vinci Code movies who flogged himself and wore barbed wire, all for God. That was weird, wasn't it?! I'm not sure that kind of behavior honors our Lord!

I think of Jesus and I feel like celebrating! It only makes sense that if I want my kids to know that Jesus is the true meaning of Christman than I need to make more of the Christmas celebrations about Him! For starters we've removed baby Jesus from our Nativity and we will make a tradition of setting out on Christmas morning, when he arrives to save us! I purchased a box set from Family Life with seven presents to open as we narrate the Christmas story. For the past four days we have woken up and, as a family, opened one present each morning (containing a Biblical character) and read about what role that character played in Jesus' birth. My son came up with the idea of baking Jesus a birthday cake (or other treat) and leaving that out for Jesus on Christmas Eve night. I like that idea! 

I do not, however, think that I need to refrain from buying presents, putting up Christmas lights, or being Merry in any way. I've seen another trend this year, of my own fellow Americans degrading things like Black Friday and presents. Certainly there is no reason to buy more than a child can even clean up (and trust me, the first few years I had with my young kids I was out of control!) I think it's important that my children appreciate their belongings and know the value of what it cost to get them. BUT what is wrong with a few fun things? As a grown-up I get most of my joy from giving gifts to the people that I love. I can give gifts because I have surplus. I have surplus because I live in America. Only in American can things like Black Friday even exist. Most businesses thrive on the idea that Americans have some form of surplus, large or small. Caterers, movers, nail salons, massage specialists, professional cleaners, professional sports, play places for children, jewelery stores, best buy, even department stores depend on you purchasing more than you came in for in order to increase their revenue. It's the rare, extreme cases that are concerning but those are both rare and extreme. I happen to love Black Friday. It's one of the rare times I get to be in the car or shop alone without my children! In the 10 years that I've gone out at 3am (9pm this year!) I've never seen a mob trampling anyone or knives or pepper spray or even crazy people. In fact, I've made some great friends on Black Friday. You tend to learn a lot about people when you are committed enough to stand by a pile of razor scooters for two hours. What a great time to be a witness to others! A group of us even advocated for a woman in line whose coupons had expired at midnight and even though she got in line at 11pm, it was now 12:30am. I've witnessed some pretty amazing companionship while out shopping in our pj's. Walmart even handed out water bottles this year. While it wasn't much, it was a nice 'thank you' from a company who depends on our dedication. I don't believe partaking in this kind of shopping makes me crazy, greedy, insensative, wasteful or forgetful of the needs of others. It means I got a razor scooter and a few dvds for $150 less than I normally would have paid because I committed the simple act of setting my alarm clock. I'm such a criminal. Actually I am a capitalist. I save my money for Christmas. I don't go in to debt over things I don't need. But I earned my money and I get to spend it on a few nice Christmas gifts without anyone making me or anyone else feel bad about it.

Something else we are adding to our traditions is handing out care packages to the needy. It's our new Christmas Eve tradition. Our church gave us the idea for Give bags; these little bags with grocery items and other necessities such as wool socks. So we've put together a group of our own "Give Bags" and will head out to love on others who are less fortunate. And guess what? That's only possible because of surplus as well.

So, in short, this has been a defining Christmas for our family. No more lies of a fat man in a nasty red suit. It's about Jesus and I realize more and more every day why I'm thrilled that Jesus came. We've only introduced a few new things this year but I hope that more will be added over time. I am sure there are more ways to celebrate our awesome Savior! I just can't see God, Maker of all things, dwelling in heaven full of color and light and music, wishing us to celebrate His son in a hum drum manner. Christmas at our house will be a party for Jesus full of appreciation, gratitude, and awe that this little baby saved us all. And we will shop. And we will put up lights. And we will sing. And we will love!     

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ready for More?

Last week in church (yes I'm talking about church again, but it might just be worth reading anyway!) the speaker was talking about Mary and the calling that God gave her being the mother of Jesus Christ. He said "Before her calling happened, Mary's obedience was right there." It made me think of everything that has happened in my life during the past 14 months. It made me think of who I am and who I used to be.

 Everyone who knows me knows the struggles that I have had, losing my son and starting my faith from the ground up. I rely on God for everything now. I thank Him for everything. I cry out to Him. I read the Bible and I actually care about God's word. I've always wanted spectacular stuff to happen in my life. Don't we all? Honestly up until a year ago I thought my life was pretty spectacular. Well, except for leaving Texas but that's another can of worms! Everything that was great I thought I had done on my own. I thought Tyler married me because I was an awesome person. Now I think that God was watching over me and blessed me with a good man. I thought that I had great kids because I was a great mom. Now I believe that my children belong to God and if they are wonderful it's because God is using me to teach them well. I used to think I was pretty. Now I think that any attribute I have that is beautiful is from God and glorifies Him because He created beauty. I thought I had quick labors with my babies because my body was awesome and it must just suck to be all those other women who are in labor forever! Now I praise God for giving me those experiences. The list could go on and on. I know some people will read that list and think it's ridiculous. I know in the past I would hear people go on and on with their love affair with God and I just couldn't relate. I didn't get it. I can't even say that I'm there now but I sure am better then where I was!

Almost two weeks ago I underwent a second surgery to try and peel adhesions off of my internal organs, all created from the nasty cesarean we had with Wyatt. It has been the hardest road to walk, wondering why- on top of losing my son- did we have to have the worst cesarean I've ever heard of? Why has God allowed all the pain and sickness I've endured over the past year? Why did He allow the first surgery, the surgery that was supposed to close this chapter of our lives, to fail? Especially right when Tyler had to leave and I was left alone with the children, in more pain then ever? A lady in my life group mentioned to me how much I had changed in the past year. I think it's interesting that other people notice because I feel like everything that has taken place has been an internal battle, between me and God. Apparently not. She told about her life experiences over the past 10 to 15 years and how it took all of that time to change her for the better. Then she began to describe how it seems that God has put us through this funnel of sorts, allowing all of these hurdles into our lives, and how this is creating change at a rapid rate. I have to admit, as long as it has felt when every day is filled with pain, 14 months is relatively short to go from "Sure, I believe in God" to "I am a Christ follower".

During the time when I knew a second surgery was needed I stopped praying for a few days. It was so hard. I don't even know why I didn't give up for good. I prayed for healing. I believed for healing. I knew that "by His stripes we are healed". So.....why not me? I stopped asking for healing when it was apparent that it wasn't coming and just started saying "I know You are good. I know You love me. I trust you". Some days that was all I could muster to say. I wondered why I wasn't special enough or what I had done so wrong that I wasn't even allowed to get well?

Back to Mary. I think last Sunday I understood for the first time how huge Mary's task was and how well she reacted to a scary angel giving her this assignment. I hope my answer would have been the same as hers but somehow I doubt it. Certainly God would not have given someone who was "exploring the idea of God" an assignment so large as to be the mother of Christ. I look at my own life and know that before everything I might have fallen into that infamous "good person" category but I wasn't someone that God could trust things with. Now I'd like to think that maybe I am. Tyler has confided in me that he wants to do something big for God. But neither of us know what that looks like right now. It makes me smile to think that all of this could be for a reason. That maybe Jesus hadn't forgotten me afterall. Maybe he was tired of watching me waste my potential and decided to get me into shape where He needed me to be. Maybe it was never that I wasn't special enough to receive healing, maybe it's that I was too special to be living the way that I was. Maybe He knew that I am more than what I was being. 

I believe in my last post I wrote about having a hard time feeling that God loved me. Well, facing another surgery as a single parent you can bet I was having trouble with that! Aside from telling God I trusted Him, I started asking Him to show me He loved me. I begged for that "peace that passes all understanding" that I used to sing about in Sunday school. If I was going to live in pain I just wanted to feel God's love. And then a funny thing happened. He showed me. The surgeon waived his fees. The same lady from my life group volunteered to go to CA with me and leave her family for a whole week so she could nurse me back to health. Ladies from a Bible study I had attended for only an hour volunteered to bring me meals for two weeks when I returned home. My life group lady (who I am now very indebted to!) set up a rotating schedule of people from church who have spent every moment of every day with me since I've been back. Those who know me know that I do not accept help well. I never have. I am even awkward when people give me presents. I am always the one giving and delivering and cooking and being superwoman. The prospect of having all of these people help me was difficult to face, just because I didn't want them to go out of their way for me. Because I know this about myself I felt like maybe it was something God wanted me to learn. So I tried. People showed up to my house that I had never even met and asked what they could do! It was hard for the first few days to say "well, the kid's clothes have to be washed". Then it got easier and it actually was neat to see everyone operate in their 'sweet spot'. Some loved to clean (my toilets are fabulous by the way, I snapped a picture of them), some love to play with the kids, some love to cook food. All of it has made my transition home seemless. I do hope that if letting others serve you is what God wanted me to learn then I can be done with the pain! I started to realize after a few days that God was showing me His love through His followers. These people were loving on me and I felt less than worthy. Who am I to them? But it was the same way I felt about God, who am I to Him? Just when I needed a lifeline, God threw one.

My days are still filled with questionable pain, if and when it will go away and when I can get back to normal. It sure is nice to think that maybe I have something coming, something that God needs to trust me with that He couldn't before. Maybe it's time for my calling?  

Monday, August 15, 2011

Why are Christians supposed to be so happy....

It took me ten months after I lost Wyatt to open the Bible and read it. Really read it. Not just following along with the Pastor on Sundays. I believe that that was partly due to the grief process but also trying to sludge my way through a graduate program that I no longer care about. For a year I've asked everyone questions about God, prayer, and if being a believer actually makes a difference. No one has been able to sufficiently give rest to my questions so, for me, the Bible was the last place to search. It's interesting that in writing that last sentence it's apparent that it should have been the first place I looked.

In my reading I have jumped around a little, but I find the New Testament most important to me at this time. I'm not sure what I expected would happen when I read the Bible but I have received an amazing peace about it. I can't even point out a specific passage that I can show you and say "This was it. This answered my questions".  The apostles have a way of writing that shuts down my doubt and questioning. They are very point blank. Jesus came. He suffered greatly for us because God loves us. We should worship God because we were not and are not worthy of that sacrifice. We are fallen but God saved us anyway. So love God and love one another. Period. I was happy to discover (unlike so many textbooks) that there is no fluff in the Bible. Everything serves a purpose. If I still "what ifs" after the important and urgent message that the apostles give us, then my "what ifs" don't need to be addressed. I don't need to know why. I recently had surgery to correct the horrible cesarean we had to save Wyatt. Instead of being a healing experience, it has left the door open for yet another impending surgery. Why has this happened to me? Why can't God cut me a little bit of slack, certainly we've had enough for one year. Last week I found myself feeling less than loved by our creator so I took the Bible and sat down with a notebook. All of complicated feelings come down to one basic question: Do I believe in God? I wrote it at the top of a page. I cannot look at everything in this world and believe it was an accident. I also cannot believe that humans do not have meaning, so yes, I will always believe in God. If I believe in God and Jesus then it comes down to another very simple idea. I have to believe what the Bible says. It doesn’t matter if I don’t feel loved or if I can’t see God working in my life. He says it so it is true. I can’t be like a liberal and pick and choose the commandments that I will follow (you knew I’d throw that in!). I will pray because God says to. I will worship Him because I know how faulty I am and yet he saved me anyway. I would not have given Wyatt’s life for anyone else and God gave Jesus for all of us. So it is interesting that what stopped my questions were not answers after all. It was just God.

All of this left me with wandering how Christians are expected to be happy through a life that is so hard. The Bible says we have victory but I don’t see any Christians on earth having more victory than anyone else. Some of my dearest Christian friends have gone through more suffering than most people I know- Tyler and I included. If Christians are God’s people then why do we have to put up with the crap that we do. Let me illustrate this further:
The news this morning spoke of a sculpture of the Ten Commandments in front of a courthouse in Florida that had been ordered to be removed. Everyone in the community was fighting to keep it since everyone in the town wanted it there. It was the American Civil Liberties Union that was having it removed. Don’t you love them? How about the cross that was left standing at Ground Zero that is also being fought against to keep it out of the new Freedom Tower? What about those of us who suffer miscarriages and are spoken to about the “content of our uterus”? Even though it’s not offensive us moms who knew it was a baby, no one will say it. It’s truly exhausting. I want to rest in the Lord like he instructs us to do, but I still long to see some Christian victories on earth. That’s ok, isn’t it?

Aside from receiving peace for my doubts, I also began to understand one other important thing. It all depends on how you look at earth. Since it is all that we see and feel and touch, it is very important to us. God gives us glimpses of the other side so that we can have hope, but earth can still seem much more real. Largely I feel that it remains a mystery to many. That might be why you see thieves shaking before they are hanged and serial killers weep before they are injected. We fear the unknown. Or we fear what we knew but ignored. This life might seem long to us (I know when you’re in physical pain it feels like an eternity) but it’s really so short. It’s nothing. That is hard to wrap our minds around but it’s true. Fashions come and go. Our cars and homes that we are so proud of fail us. Our Ipads are already outdated. Everything that we try desperately to enjoy will be gone before we know it. But eternity is forever. I don’t pretend to understand how long eternity even is. My simple human mind cannot grasp it. But I do know it is exceedingly longer than our lives here on earth. And then what? All the politics, all the protesting, everything that we fight our way through life for…….then what? And its’ that moment that is so crucial, the “then what” moment. Because that’s when followers of Jesus have victory. That doesn’t seem like a big deal if earth is a big deal. But if I realize that earth is not what’s important than the moment of victory is a big deal. God wins in the end, whether someone believes there is an end or not. Because Jesus suffered for me, I can see my son again one day. Earthly struggles don’t last forever so not matter what I’m going through now, there will be an end. This isn’t it. It’s not all there is. That’s why Christians can be happy. I can lose my son. I can be in physical pain. I can fight my way through an increasingly anti-Jesus population, but this is not the end. I have victory because of Jesus. So why not give it all I have now for God? In this short amount of time I have here on earth, why not make a difference? Some lyrics at church last week stuck out to me. It said “Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause. As I walk from earth into eternity”. That’s just it. We are all on our way to eternity, with every breath that we take. So I am determined to spend the rest of my life living for Him. What that looks like, I will figure out as I go! After all, it’s the least I can do.