Almost...

Sometimes God puts people in your life to spend the years with you. Sometimes they are there just long enough to say one thing. One thing that is so impactful it changes the course you are on. A friend I saw today referred to them as angels. I had never thought of it this way before and I like it. It makes me smile. There have been several angels in my life and I am so very grateful for them.

When I was young my parents put a picture of Jesus in my bedroom. It wasn't anything fancy but I can still remember every detail of it. It had a brown faux-wood frame. Jesus was in the center, holding a sheep in one hand, his staff in the other. He had dark brown hair and beard, a blue robe and brown sandals. I didn't think much of it at the time but I wish I had it still. It is still the image that comes to mind first when I think of Jesus. I can still recall accepting Jesus into my heart when I was still small and the joy I felt getting baptized. I have heard that once you accept Jesus into your heart He never leaves. I believe that's true. No matter how far from church I strayed, no matter how much I wanted to be one of the bad kids, Jesus and His image never left me. 

I found out I was pregnant during the spring of my senior year in high school. I was devastated. I was a straight A student. I was on my way to the Air Force Academy to do something amazing. I had hoped to be a fighter pilot. I had big plans and it didn't include sticking around in the small town I grew up in. I was a good kid, but I made a mistake. I was terrified of my parents and distraught at the fact that I would be known as the girl who was pregnant rather than the girl who left and now flies jets. I decided to have an abortion.

There was a friend who I shared study hall with. We would get a pass and sit in the hallways filled with windows to do school work in the sunshine that was cast onto the floors. Winter in Maine is cold and the sunshine through glass was so warm. I told her about the pregnancy and was surprised by her response. "Don't do it. It'll all work out". She then told me about a friend she knew who got pregnant at 16. They were now married, living in Pennsylvania and had bought a new minivan. She pointed out that at the time it seemed devastating but that they were doing well. I thought that story was well and good but didn't apply to me. I didn't want a minivan. I was off to do important things. We parted ways that morning knowing that my appointment was the next day.

The father and I arrived at the clinic the next day. He paid cash. They told me since I didn't have insurance I couldn't get pain relief. I didn't really understand but I didn't care. I went into the room and they inserted something into my cervix. It was supposed to dialate it, open up my womb so they could do whatever it was they do. I was told it would take an hour so I was sent back out to wait. While I waited I prayed. And cried. And shook. I thought about Jesus and the picture that hung in my room. And prayed some more. I was in a lot of pain, having never had a cervix dialate before. It seemed like it was too late to make a decision anyway so I didn't know why I was so upset. I think that's how a lot of us feel sometimes, like it's too late to change course. On the contrary- it's NEVER too late. Suddenly I knew. I just did. We went back up to the counter and I said I changed my mind. They told us we wouldn't get our money back. The father didn't care and neither did I. Inside the room again, they told me I would probably miscarry anyway since the cervix was open. I told them again that I didn't care. On our way out the receptionist handed us a $100 bill back and gave a small smirk. I think she might have been proud? Maybe she just felt bad? I'll never know. But I'll never forget the feeling of relief I had walking out. The inner turmoil had come from an internal battle; what I wanted versus what people expected. How I appeared to others versus doing what my soul knew was right. Good versus evil. Once I had commited, once I made the decision, it was easy. I had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to face my parents.  I just knew it paled in comparison to being in that room.

We went home. I didn't miscarry. I never even bled. I told my friend back at school and she was overjoyed. She had given me support. I knew there was at least one person who didn't think this was terrible, and that was enough. She was my angel. I told my parents. I survived. Nine months later in a warm tub of water with a loving midwife I had my son.

You, little buddy, almost weren't here. Almost...

At age three my son was diagnosed with Asperger's. Syndrome. I don't care. I wouldn't have it any other way. I cannot imagine a life without him. It certainly did changed my life drastically. I used to daydream of flying jets, traveling the world, and only owning enough possessions that would fit in a car. Heaven forbid I be stuck in one place too long. Now I've been forced to become patient, tender, and selfless. I've had to open my home to therapists that now feel like family. I've had to learn about a condition I didn't know existed and didn't care about. I've had to see things from someone else's perspective. I've had to accept. I've learned to rejoice in the small things.

                                                              My son and his sister
Be that angel for someone. Let God use you. Say what's unpopular. If it's you that needs an angel right now, then let me be that for you. Talk to God. He loves you. Everything will be alright.

Today I am married to a wonderful man who loves airplanes, too. And yes, unfortunately, I have a new minivan:)

Easter

This is our second year homeschooling and even though I miss my alone time, I wouldn’t change it for the world. We use the Classical model of education that emphasizes history. It has been a blessing to be part of such an amazing homeschooling community and also to see what my kids can learn when they are taught amazing things. They know history, from Creation to the present. They can sing it to you in a 12 minute song. They don’t understand the details yet but they can see the pattern; the rise of fall of civilizations. The mistakes made my humans, over and over again. The amazing accomplishments that have taken place by human ingenuity and the blessings of the Creator. I know I do not speak alone when I say that I feel like the world is changing again. Many feel it’s for the worse. Some have predicted ultimately for the better, perhaps a third Great Awakening. I can’t see where we are headed yet but I am surprised at the conversations that have taken place among family, friends, and even strangers. Should we leave the country? Is there anything left to salvage? Is America America without freedom and God? Are we headed for a Civil War? If there is one, do we join?

These ideas cause my mind to wander back in time, not-so-very-long-ago, to the roots of our nation. I have always held a deep respect for the founding fathers but I have gained an even deeper understanding of their situation. I have always assumed that it was easy for them to fight. Easy for them to look at the British superpower and say, “Sure! Let’s grab our muskets and get this done!” I believe it is so important to remember that they had no idea if they would win or not. They didn’t know that if they did win it would create the most glorious and prosperous God-fearing nation that ever existed. They didn’t know how much God would bless America. They didn’t know that it was from sea to shining sea. There were just thirteen colonies. Ordinary people with an extraordinary idea. And they had families and lives, and despite the fact that they were being taxed and controlled, they were ok. I have actually heard that argument used, that France is a socialist state and they are doing “ok”. I’m wondering when “Ok” has become the standard. I assume that in this example, “Ok” means that we are alive, and we have food, and shelter. If this is the case then they can take our freedom and we might be ok. They can force our kids into public schools and we would be ok. They could take our guns and our Bibles and we would be ok. I don’t believe Americans settle for ok. Those courageous young soldiers in the American Revolution certainly didn’t. Without knowing the end result they set off, to fight, to die for an idea. I can see them, at Valley Forge, freezing and starving, wondering if it was worth it. I wonder if they wished to be “ok” again, if only they could go home and forget their crazy idea. Was being oppressed worse than being dead? I think of what these families and men endured so that future generations might be free and it brings tears to my eyes.

Interestingly today is Easter and as I sat in church this morning I was surprised to see the Resurrection story in a whole new way. It is easy to look back at the story of Jesus’ death and resurrection and celebrate it. I grew up a Christian, hearing all of the time how “Jesus died for your sins”, and yet it meant almost nothing to me. I heard it so much it hardly had an effect. That is so easy for us today as Christians because we know what happens on the third day. Yeah yeah yeah, he was whipped and crucified, but he rose again! It’s all good. How many times I have thought that, unknowingly! It’s a happy ending so why bother with the details? Well, it might be important to remember that people did not know that He would rise again. What a dark few days that must have felt like! Jesus comes, He heals, you follow Him, and then He’s killed. He was supposed to be their Savior and now He was gone. It would have felt confusing and hopeless. “They were between the Now, and the Not Yet”, as spoken by our Pastor. How many times have we all been there? It doesn’t’ have the be the Revolutionary War for us to think of times when we were in the dark and lost, wondering what in the world God was doing. We can’t see the big picture. We don’t know how the puzzle pieces all fit into place. If we did, how easy would it be to move forward! Although my family has received many blessings, we’ve also gone through more trials than I ever wanted. I frequently wonder why. I have been told on multiple occasions that God needs to use us and that He is getting us ready. Many times I don’t think that it’s worth it. Those times are so dark. God seems so silent. It is that dark place between the Now and the Not Yet. If only I could go back to those American Militia men and smile and tell them, “It’s alright. It’s beautiful, you should see it. Keep fighting.” If only the apostles could have known that Jesus was not saving them from the Romans, He was saving them eternally. It’s alright. He saves us all.

When you find yourself in that dark place, recognize it and take heart. Keep going forward even though you can’t see. He can see, and the Not Yet is coming.

“Behold! I make all things new”  Revelation 21:5

Catching Up...

I cannot believe how much time has passed since I’ve last posted. There’s so much to say and yet I only want to say what is meaningful. Luke, our son, is amazing. He is healthy, and huge, and wonderful. For how small and premature he was he has none of the issues that he could have. One more blessing from the Lord. He is currently ten months old with his adjusted age being 7 months. He has brought me so much love and so many challenges. I’ve learned that having a preemie is comparable to having a newborn for a much longer period of time. It has tested my patience, caused me worry, and then caused me joy when we meet our milestones. I’ve learned that regular baby shampoo on a biracial baby is not a good idea. It makes a large, dry mess. Luke and I have experimented with Shea Butter and Kinky Kurly products and he looks so handsome. I have learned how to field questions, sometimes wonderful and sometimes so rude you can hardly get yourself to speak. We have started being able to get out of the house more, taking trips to the library, the Grand Canyon, and Sea World just this past week. I feel so blessed to be able to shower this little man with love and opportunity. Not because I am amazing, but because God is amazing. And God must have very special plans for little Luke.

As for panic and anxiety, that has been a journey in and of itself. That’s just what it was: panic due to trauma. It started years ago with our first trauma, and was intensified with each subsequent trauma. When I suffered the drug reaction it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It has been scary, on the days when my body does not know that I am not under attack. It has been rewarding the moments when I can overcome it. I asked a good doctor at one point why God would allow this to happen now, when I’ve just been given this huge blessing. He told me directly, “You’ve lived it. You’re learning to understand it. And you’ll be able to smell panic from a mile away. One day you’ll help someone through it”. I am not far enough in this journey to know what the complete purpose it and I have had a hard time accepting it. At some moments the symptoms can be so great that I have told God I don’t want to do His purpose. I do not want to help others with their trauma and panic. I just want to live. I have spent nights shaking in panic and fear, crying asking God, “Why?! Haven’t I gone through enough?” I discovered that I can go 4 days without sleep when my body is too terrified to let me sleep. And somehow through it all He has helped me to keep breathing. Keep walking. Keep going. And I don’t know why. I found myself reading Job not long ago and after 38 chapters of Job crying out in agony, God finally responds.

“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Do you know how its dimensions were determined and who did the surveying? What supports its foundations and who laid it’s cornerstone as the morning stars sand together and all the angels shouted for joy?” Job 38:1-6

Who am I to ask what His plans are? Who am I determine what is fair or to tell God what to do? Job replies:

“I am nothing-how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.” Job 40:3-5

I have spent the past eight months wondering why this would happen when I wanted to be doing God’s work. I want to be praising Him. I could not understand why He would allow even MORE things to happen in my life that would keep me operating at my full capacity. I would be lying if I said I had complete peace with it now. I am still tired by it and I still have moments where I look to the sky and shake my head. If my absence from this blog, however, was enough to ruin God’s plans, than I have made myself too big and my God too small. I may not like it, but I am no one to argue.

I still want to do big things for God. Hubby is currently working on a mission’s trip to Cuba and we continue to sponsor children through Compassion International. As if my plate weren’t full enough I find that I am beginning to scan the horizon for our path. I don’t know if its future adoptions or foster parenting or mission work. I don’t know and I won’t pretend to know. I just want God to guide my feet down the right path. So until I know where our next stop lies I will continue to rejoice in Luke, in my family, and in my life. Even when it feels like I don’t want to.