The three days where we waited anxiously to hear about our
adoption were the most shocking and spiritual days I have ever lived. I could
not wait to tell everyone all the accounts and share in what can only be called
“a miracle”. I’ve learned in the past few weeks, however, that no one gets away
without scars. And right around one of the best times of my life, my wounds
became exposed. Even though I have desired to write and tell our tale, I have
literally been unable to. Anyone who has ever written music, books, poems or
blogs can tell you what it’s like to simply lack the emotion and words to
write. Tonight I am hoping to break this streak by doing what I’ve always done:
being candid.
On Tuesday of our fundraising I was anxious but not too
hopeful. But the miracles started right away. Checking into my blog, we could
see that after 48 short hours, it had been read over 1,000 times. Perhaps that
isn’t much, but for us that was a big deal. And that does not include the
letter that we wrote and sent out to friends. I’m not even sure I know 1,000
people. I had 23 waiting “friend” requests on facebook, all from people that I
did not know. My inbox was full of stories from strangers, some telling us of
their prayers, others telling us of their donations. Some people just wanted to
know that they related; they were adopted, tried to adopt, lost a child. For
strangers to be so honest with us about their lives was a privilege to be a
witness to. One lady told me that she had been praying about how to help when
her Bible study that morning covered James 1:27. Then she knew what she was
supposed to do.
“This is pure and
undefiled religion in the sight of God and Father, to care for orphans and
widows in their distress.” ~James 1:27
As we sat in our house on Tuesday we got front row seats to watch
how God moved in other people’s lives
for us. All of this was for us and
Baby Melvin. The more blessings that happened, the more I wished that they were
not happening. With each amazement I was feeling less worthy and deserving. I started
recalling all the sins I’ve ever committed. Every bad thought I’ve ever had. Why would anyone give us money? Please,
don’t give us money. You don’t know us. Then another stranger’s voice rang
in my head. God knows you. Really? Of
course. But why? Look at us. Not many people know the ‘nitty gritty’ about us,
but we knew it.
For two years we had been praying for this moment. We began
requesting a son for months after losing Wyatt. Then we asked for direction on
having more children. Then we simply asked to be blessed with more children.
Then we decided to pray only for God’s will and shared with him the desires of
hearts. Several months ago our prayers had evolved into asking for God’s will
to be done and for us to like it. Whatever it was. This is where our prayers
held. It only made the most sense. We didn’t know what was best. We didn’t know
what we could handle. We decided it was most important for God to use us. If
that included children than it was a bonus. Throughout our adoption journey we
continued to pray for his direction and His will. One night when I was feeling
very confused a dear friend of mine read me a scripture and told me, “That
means just keep doing what you’re doing and wait for direction from God.” So
Tyler and I took that on. It’s too hard to question every thought you have and
not act unless you’re sure it was a direct instruction from God. So continued
our process, praying for God to intervene and change our course for His needs.
Then the day we went to accept Prae, we received our phone call regarding
Melvin.
By the close of the day on Tuesday we had a little over
$12k. Three days. Each day we were one third closer. The support from friends
was amazing. Even though the voice inside my head still doubted we could pull
this off again on Wednesday, everyone
around me sent encouragement about the beauty of the third day. Our world was
changing, even though we didn’t know the results. I wasn’t happy or sad. I was
simply stunned. Like a bystander in a movie. We spent much of these days in
prayer but never before have I ever experienced the hand of God moving
immediately as you pray. I’ve never heard of it happening to anyone and I
cannot count on experiencing it again. But as we prayed, messages popped up,
phone calls came in, money came in, and prayers flooded our house. People we
hadn’t spoken to in years called just to say hi; as if our situation was a
magnet they were drawn to. Strangers called just to say they loved us. I had
mentioned before the metaphor of our lives all being “God’s party”. It felt as
if it became clear, just for a little while, that this really was God’s party and everyone wanted in. We are spiritual beings, created in the image
of God, and so we are drawn to His presence. We know when our Father is home.
Many people, as if separated from a beloved parent their entire lives,
scrambled to be part of or merely touch
this miracle just to be close to Him. I have to admit, on Thursday when
everything was done, I had a strong feeling overcome me. My mind said, don’t go. Please don’t leave me. For
three days we knew, in a very human way, that God was present. Of course He
always is, but we don’t always feel it. I didn’t want my Father to leave. I
didn’t want to go back to a life where some days I feel Him and some days I
don’t. I did not want to ever feel separation again.
Late Wednesday night we were getting messages from some
friends back in Idaho
The next day Isabel called bright and early with a
‘problem’. Apparently more people were calling who wanted to be part of this
and were not taking no for an answer. On Wednesday generous donators closed the
gap that had to be made by that one donor. Even with that gap closed, the
giving continued to cover all of our post placement visits over the next 6 months
as well. And to think we started out trying to adopt with no money and wondered
how in the world we were going to do it. Tyler and I spent lots of time musing
about how our lives had just changed. Would there ever be any doubt again?
Would we ever pray and wonder if He was listening? Would we ever wonder if He
knew who we were? Would we ever doubt that He cared? This new realization
became more complex when I think about the troubles that we’ve had. This also
showed us that He was there for that, too. He watched us suffer. He collected
my tears. He allowed our pain and loved us through it. And He already knew
about Melvin.
We need to make it clear with ourselves and everyone else
that Melvin is not a replacement. It is not as if we lost a dog and went to get
a new one. Of course our hearts ache for our boy. But we were ready to take
whatever, whomever God gave us. This is just what God wanted. Maybe He loves my
family so much that He gave us this gift. Maybe there are other reasons known
to only Him. The whole scenario just shines with God’s love and provision. The
whole thing is just so like our God
and I am so blessed to have been
witness to it.
“God will always give
what is right to His people who cry to Him night and day, and He will not be
slow to answer them. I tell you, God will help his people quickly.”
~Luke 18:7
“I love the Lord, for
He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.”
~Psalm 116:1-2
“And if God cares so
wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow won’t He more
surely care for you? You have so little faith! And don’t worry about food- what
to eat and drink. Don’t worry whether God will provide for you. These things
dominate the thoughts of most people, but your father already knows your needs.
He will give you all you need from day to day if you the make the Kingdom of God
~ Luke 12:22-23
