Forgiveness...

I know I am out-of-order in posting this but tonight I know that I need to write this. There has been so much going on in the last few weeks emotionally that have just been destroying me physically. We’ve been to every many doctors and tried a few counselors. Nothing has seemed to put a dent in it so I have delved in, head first, into my thoughts and emotions. Until I truly understand what’s really going on, I cannot write about it. But what I can say is there is a part of the grief process that I believe I left out entirely. It’s also something that has been left out of various support groups that I became a member of after losing Wyatt. What I found looking back is that it’s really easy to be sad, to cry, to be in denial, and to be angry. And that’s where the support usually ends and that’s where I got stuck. It is so easy to be angry about my situation. It is so easy to be angry about my life and I feel SO justified about all the ‘wrongs’ that I truly made it my story. I cannot allow that to be the case anymore. Some of us will have relatively easy lives. Some of us will suffer more than is fair for any one person. Why? I don’t know why. And it doesn’t really matter. I have the option to keep moving forward in my life, bitter at everything that has happened to me. By analyzing myself a little bit I learned this week that I no longer believe anything good will happen, that I just got burned too many times. Not only does that not have to be the case, but I don’t want it to be. I want to get knocked down in life and get right back up the next day and say, “I can’t wait to see what great things happen today”. For years I have pitied myself to such an extent that I will still tell my husband, “I love you but if I had to do it again I would never even date you.” I thought the pain of our experiences were too great. And they sure do suck; I can’t say that they don’t. But I what I left out in all my accounts and memories was all the good stuff that happened to us, too. I started making lists of them today just so I could see it for myself and it was amazing what a change that made in my heart. Among many other things, once we adopted Luke I believe I went in to panic mode because I believe somehow that I will cause his death. Simply by being associated with me, because I lost my last two babies, I feel like I am an omen to him. I think that this just scratches the surface of the turbulence in my soul but it was a starting place for me.

            One thing that was brought to my attention today was that forgiveness is part of the grief process. I made a post a while back called “What I Would Say to my Care Providers”.  It wasn’t pretty, it was not intended to be nice, but it did help me with my anger towards those certain individuals. I guess I thought that was all, but it’s not. Today I picked up a book off of the book shelf that I bought a year ago and never touched. It’s not even about grief and loss but it mentioned it anyway.  It says, “If someone’s unjust treatment of you caused the loss you have experienced, be sure to forgive them completely. Feeling hatred and unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping it will kill your enemy. All the bitter feelings we experience when we are treated unjustly hurt only us, and not the person who hurt us.” This touched me dramatically since I had left everything off with the anger part. I’ve spent today thinking about this and praying about it and I need to post it. I encourage you, if you’re in any grief or support group of any kind, to not stay stuck in the mode of badmouthing those who have wronged you. Move past that, or you’ll spend your whole life that way.

What I Would Say to My Care Providers….Now

1. I forgive you Dr. Bobrawski. I do not believe you were acting maliciously. I believe that you were doing the best with the knowledge that you had.

2. I forgive you Dr. Lawerence. I truly believe you tried to save my son. I believe you were also affected by his loss. I believe you did not mean to harm us.

3. I forgive the whole medical staff, nurses, anesthesiologist, and anyone else who remains in my memory. You were just doing your jobs.

4. I forgive MYSELF. I forgive myself for not having knowledge I now have in hindsight. What a crazy expectation to put on myself! I forgive myself for signing for surgery, I forgive myself for whatever lack of love I thought I felt toward Wyatt during the pregnancy, the better care I thought I should have taken of myself, the many ways I have found to blame myself for losing him. This is the hardest one of all. I FORGIVE MYSELF.