Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ready for More?

Last week in church (yes I'm talking about church again, but it might just be worth reading anyway!) the speaker was talking about Mary and the calling that God gave her being the mother of Jesus Christ. He said "Before her calling happened, Mary's obedience was right there." It made me think of everything that has happened in my life during the past 14 months. It made me think of who I am and who I used to be.

 Everyone who knows me knows the struggles that I have had, losing my son and starting my faith from the ground up. I rely on God for everything now. I thank Him for everything. I cry out to Him. I read the Bible and I actually care about God's word. I've always wanted spectacular stuff to happen in my life. Don't we all? Honestly up until a year ago I thought my life was pretty spectacular. Well, except for leaving Texas but that's another can of worms! Everything that was great I thought I had done on my own. I thought Tyler married me because I was an awesome person. Now I think that God was watching over me and blessed me with a good man. I thought that I had great kids because I was a great mom. Now I believe that my children belong to God and if they are wonderful it's because God is using me to teach them well. I used to think I was pretty. Now I think that any attribute I have that is beautiful is from God and glorifies Him because He created beauty. I thought I had quick labors with my babies because my body was awesome and it must just suck to be all those other women who are in labor forever! Now I praise God for giving me those experiences. The list could go on and on. I know some people will read that list and think it's ridiculous. I know in the past I would hear people go on and on with their love affair with God and I just couldn't relate. I didn't get it. I can't even say that I'm there now but I sure am better then where I was!

Almost two weeks ago I underwent a second surgery to try and peel adhesions off of my internal organs, all created from the nasty cesarean we had with Wyatt. It has been the hardest road to walk, wondering why- on top of losing my son- did we have to have the worst cesarean I've ever heard of? Why has God allowed all the pain and sickness I've endured over the past year? Why did He allow the first surgery, the surgery that was supposed to close this chapter of our lives, to fail? Especially right when Tyler had to leave and I was left alone with the children, in more pain then ever? A lady in my life group mentioned to me how much I had changed in the past year. I think it's interesting that other people notice because I feel like everything that has taken place has been an internal battle, between me and God. Apparently not. She told about her life experiences over the past 10 to 15 years and how it took all of that time to change her for the better. Then she began to describe how it seems that God has put us through this funnel of sorts, allowing all of these hurdles into our lives, and how this is creating change at a rapid rate. I have to admit, as long as it has felt when every day is filled with pain, 14 months is relatively short to go from "Sure, I believe in God" to "I am a Christ follower".

During the time when I knew a second surgery was needed I stopped praying for a few days. It was so hard. I don't even know why I didn't give up for good. I prayed for healing. I believed for healing. I knew that "by His stripes we are healed". So.....why not me? I stopped asking for healing when it was apparent that it wasn't coming and just started saying "I know You are good. I know You love me. I trust you". Some days that was all I could muster to say. I wondered why I wasn't special enough or what I had done so wrong that I wasn't even allowed to get well?

Back to Mary. I think last Sunday I understood for the first time how huge Mary's task was and how well she reacted to a scary angel giving her this assignment. I hope my answer would have been the same as hers but somehow I doubt it. Certainly God would not have given someone who was "exploring the idea of God" an assignment so large as to be the mother of Christ. I look at my own life and know that before everything I might have fallen into that infamous "good person" category but I wasn't someone that God could trust things with. Now I'd like to think that maybe I am. Tyler has confided in me that he wants to do something big for God. But neither of us know what that looks like right now. It makes me smile to think that all of this could be for a reason. That maybe Jesus hadn't forgotten me afterall. Maybe he was tired of watching me waste my potential and decided to get me into shape where He needed me to be. Maybe it was never that I wasn't special enough to receive healing, maybe it's that I was too special to be living the way that I was. Maybe He knew that I am more than what I was being. 

I believe in my last post I wrote about having a hard time feeling that God loved me. Well, facing another surgery as a single parent you can bet I was having trouble with that! Aside from telling God I trusted Him, I started asking Him to show me He loved me. I begged for that "peace that passes all understanding" that I used to sing about in Sunday school. If I was going to live in pain I just wanted to feel God's love. And then a funny thing happened. He showed me. The surgeon waived his fees. The same lady from my life group volunteered to go to CA with me and leave her family for a whole week so she could nurse me back to health. Ladies from a Bible study I had attended for only an hour volunteered to bring me meals for two weeks when I returned home. My life group lady (who I am now very indebted to!) set up a rotating schedule of people from church who have spent every moment of every day with me since I've been back. Those who know me know that I do not accept help well. I never have. I am even awkward when people give me presents. I am always the one giving and delivering and cooking and being superwoman. The prospect of having all of these people help me was difficult to face, just because I didn't want them to go out of their way for me. Because I know this about myself I felt like maybe it was something God wanted me to learn. So I tried. People showed up to my house that I had never even met and asked what they could do! It was hard for the first few days to say "well, the kid's clothes have to be washed". Then it got easier and it actually was neat to see everyone operate in their 'sweet spot'. Some loved to clean (my toilets are fabulous by the way, I snapped a picture of them), some love to play with the kids, some love to cook food. All of it has made my transition home seemless. I do hope that if letting others serve you is what God wanted me to learn then I can be done with the pain! I started to realize after a few days that God was showing me His love through His followers. These people were loving on me and I felt less than worthy. Who am I to them? But it was the same way I felt about God, who am I to Him? Just when I needed a lifeline, God threw one.

My days are still filled with questionable pain, if and when it will go away and when I can get back to normal. It sure is nice to think that maybe I have something coming, something that God needs to trust me with that He couldn't before. Maybe it's time for my calling?