Surgery, Doctors, and Decisions

I started writing this blog with the thought that no one would read it. It's me talking to a computer screen. If I think about people reading this I tend to edit and censor and that's counterproductive to any therapeutic effect. That being said, it is frustrating when things are taken out of context. I usually write when my emotions are high and I need an "out". Perhaps I am not extremely eloquent or don't explain something well enough. I won't apologize; I type extremely fast, let everything out and then I usually feel better. I'm not in a great place right now, that almost goes without saying. I'm not expected to be. I've met families who lost their babies years ago and you can still see the pain on their faces. It changes a person. It has changed us. I'm not sure what I've "changed into" yet, and I know the process is far from done. Some babies are miscarriages, some or stillborn and then some are like Wyatt who live for just a short amount of time. Most scenarios that I hear of are cut and dry- the baby died in the womb for unknown reasons, the cord tied a knot on itself etc. With Wyatt there was so much grey and there still is in the aftermath. Doctors told us things that didn't make sense and could only give us so much evidence. We are supposed to believe them, because they're doctors, but I've been around doctors too long to know that you don't ever take anything at face value. Doctors vary as much as individual humans do. Each hospital has it's own way of doing things. Each doctors operates differenlty based on their worldview, upbringing, location of their schooling, and who they interacted with as a resident. So when a doctor says something HAS to be a certain way, it's almost never true. I never knew how grey the area of medicine was. It's all just a big guess. Some people have felt like the c-section shouldn't bother me. What no one knows is all of the physical mess that has happened (aside from Wyatt) because I happened to get a doctor who (and I quote) thinks "uteruses are overrated". I had the OBs in the hospital telling me "It has to be a c-section" but when I talk to Ob's outside of this region they've only heard of this happening, never practiced it. We made the best choices we could at the time. We had no where to go and very little time. In other places I've lived I would have driven to Oklahoma City or Dallas or San Antonio for second opinions. Boise is this tiny little island in the middle of nowhere with two hospitals for the next 15 hours. So when we are faced with people telling us "Things have to be this way!", what do we do? I fought every doctor that I could. I was wheeled into surgery just wishing to give birth. Turns out instincts are right and that's what is hard to cope with. I should've listened to my instincts. This advice was also coming from the all-wise physicians who told us if we went home at 24 weeks Wyatt would die in less than a week. And then he grew and thrived for another three weeks. It's funny how doctors can be wrong in that case but then still expect you to listen to them in all other aspects. When Wyatt was looked at and was shown growing and well in the womb they looked dumbfounded. They didn't have a clue. So when they told us "It has to be a c-section" what they really meant was "Well, we don't really have a clue what's going on and we can't tell you why. It seems to me that a c-section might be a good route because, well, that's my best guess". I wish doctors would tell you things like that, which are, in fact, the truth. Wyatt died when he wasn't supposed to because another all-wise doctors apparently didn't now when an air tube was supposed to go. So then we get sent home, cut open and with our baby in an urn and there's no accountability to be had. No one is responsible, apparently, for wrong directions, bad procedures, and and just plain bad advice.
So as the weeks go by and these issues circulate through our minds it's natural for me to start doing research. I am researching like I should've been BEFORE all of this happened, if I had had more time. I've stumbled on amazing statistics about America's healthcare system (and I am not for ONE MINUTE advocating government run healthcare! No way!) BUT giving birth is one of the few areas that actually violates several different acts, including Hipaa. A patient always has the right to refuse surgery, unless of course it's a women in labor who doesn't want a c-section, and then she's pretty much left to give birth on the sidewalk. If she wants hospital care, it has to be a c-section. Doctors want to go home, they want to get paid, they don't want to sit around and wait for something natural to occur no matter how many days or hours it takes. For all of our interventions we have one of the highest maternal and infant mortality rates in the world! Some people have acted like c-sections aren't a big deal but what they aren't aware of are the membranes that are cut and never repared, the damage done to your abdominal muscles, your intestines, the damage that adhesions can do, and scare tissue etc. It's not pretty. I'm upset at the surgery but I'm upset at the lack of honesty. Why can't a doctors say "This is what I think, but here are ALL of your options in this situation..."? That would make it easier to think about what our bodies need and want. The lab coats blind us into thinking these are people who know everything.
Without Wyatt here I've had nothing else to linger on and no positive outlook to the surgery that was done. If I was holding him, yes, it would be easy to say "You were worth it buddy". And he was. I begged God to take me, I would've given Wyatt any body part he needed. It's so so easy to lose sight of that when all I have are unanswered questions and pictures of my little boy. It's so easy to forget why we tried to have him in the first place when he was going to die anyway. Hindsight sucks. My faith is rocked. I feel stuck everywhere but in the present. I am in the past worrying about everything that happened and trying to go back and make different decisions. And I am in the future, worrying about everything that might happen because of all of this. It's very hard to just be. Some people think I'm crazy and that's ok. Maybe they're right. It's funny, though, meeting other families who have lost their newborns- they don't think we are nuts. They just cry and say "We've been there, too". So maybe my thoughts and feelings are scary to people who don't understand. Heck, I don't even understand. But I'm letting it happen, one day at a time.

Due Dates Nearing

Right now I would've been 37 weeks pregnant and Wyatt would have come any day. I never made it past 38 weeks with any of my kids. The house seems especially empty this past week. Just when I thought that I just might be ok it was like the bubble popped. I've been sinking farther down for a few days now. I remember dreading bringing Wyatt home because it would be October and probably pretty cold. But I was wrong, it has been warm and sunny and we've spent a lot of time outside as a family. This would've been perfect to bring him home in. I just pictured October as being much different, completely ready for a new baby. Now there's not one trace to show that we were supposed to be bringing Wyatt home. There's no crib, no infant car seat. Lexi has no little brother to stare at and point to. She recently learned the sign for "baby" and points to baby's when we are out. I wonder if she would've made the sign for Wyatt. I have some of his pictures up by my bed, his urn, and the many signs my 6 year-old has hung around the house. They read things like "I hope you fun up in hevin and spending time with God", "I wish you were here, you would have been a great kid", and "Sleep in peace, Wyatt". Then she drew a picture of her handing Wyatt to God. Why do these things have to be in my life? Why does my young daughter have to draw pictures of her handing her baby brother to God? It's still so painful. It's been 10 weeks and it's like it was yesterday. We are still smoothing out the medical issues that came out of just the c-section. At the very least I'll have another surgery around January but who knows what else needs to be done. The scenarios go around and around in my mind, with the choices we made and what we could've done instead. If we would've lived somewhere with better healthcare, if we had been able to get a second opinion, if we weren't so isolated here in this stupid city, if we would've known that Wyatt would die we would have at least given birth and not bothered with a c-section. Life now would at least be physically less painful for me.
I have so many questions about faith and God. I find myself reading stories about heaven to the kids and realizing that I need this information just as much as they do. I'm like a little kid starting from scratch with the most basic questions about God and the world. I have no answers at all and I've never felt farther from God in my life. One things I have found is that this whole world suffers. My tragedy is not unique. I've met so many other people through this experience that have lost babies. This makes me more sensative to all the different kinds of suffering there are in the world. Starving kids in Africa is no longer a joke at dinner time. The thought of a dying child breaks my heart. It's real and it happens. I don't doubt there's a God. I do doubt how much He is doing on earth. Maybe we are supposed to just pray and have faith and expect nothing from Him. Some people die when they shouldn't, some people live when they shouldn't. It's not fair, so is it really God? Is God unfair? Or is He not responsible for the healing or the dying, maybe those are just things that happen in this crappy world.
So many people have told me that Wyatt just gets to be in heaven before we do. If that's so wonderful than why are we trying to keep people from dying? Doesn't that mean that everyone alive is getting the short end of the stick? Why do we even have kids? Why do we have that desire if we really believed heaven was the best place to be? Even now, in the midst of all of this, I long to hold a baby in my arms. In one day I can come full circle from wanting to get pregnant right now to never ever considering getting pregnant again. My poor husband is helpless to watch, especially because I don't understand my moods either. Life has certainly taken it's toll on us. I knew the world wasn't great but couldn't the suffering have waited a few more years for us? I atleast expect about 15 more years of ignorance to the topic of suffering and tragedy.
The other night we had a good friend over who we hadn't seen in years. He and my husband had been great friends but now looked drastically different. Our friend was light and bubbly while my husband could only force smirks. I couldn't help but notice the dark circles under his eyes and how he looked like life had really beat him down. I feel terrible that life has been this way. It's just been too much for any human to take on. I'm not very content on earth anymore. I don't find enjoyment in songs or car rides or quiet times or even sitting in the sun (my favorite pasttime). Everything seems pointless and nothing seems important. Nothing quenches what I need...and I'm not even sure what that is. I want to be with Wyatt, wherever he is, and I feel guilty that life will suck one day for my kids as well, they just don't know it yet.
So as this week passes I wonder how Wyatt would've been born, if I would have finally gotten to the hospital in time to receive pain medication, if he would've been a good nurser, what doctor would've been there etc. What would his birthday have really been? What would he have been for Halloween? I always pictured standing with our neighbors, holding our newborn as the kids went trick-or-treating. All of these visions are not my reality and it makes me nauseous. We loved Wyatt. We would've been great parents. My husband is the only father on the block who is outside playing ball with the kids and being involved in their lives. He deserved a son. He would've been great.