Due Dates Nearing

Right now I would've been 37 weeks pregnant and Wyatt would have come any day. I never made it past 38 weeks with any of my kids. The house seems especially empty this past week. Just when I thought that I just might be ok it was like the bubble popped. I've been sinking farther down for a few days now. I remember dreading bringing Wyatt home because it would be October and probably pretty cold. But I was wrong, it has been warm and sunny and we've spent a lot of time outside as a family. This would've been perfect to bring him home in. I just pictured October as being much different, completely ready for a new baby. Now there's not one trace to show that we were supposed to be bringing Wyatt home. There's no crib, no infant car seat. Lexi has no little brother to stare at and point to. She recently learned the sign for "baby" and points to baby's when we are out. I wonder if she would've made the sign for Wyatt. I have some of his pictures up by my bed, his urn, and the many signs my 6 year-old has hung around the house. They read things like "I hope you fun up in hevin and spending time with God", "I wish you were here, you would have been a great kid", and "Sleep in peace, Wyatt". Then she drew a picture of her handing Wyatt to God. Why do these things have to be in my life? Why does my young daughter have to draw pictures of her handing her baby brother to God? It's still so painful. It's been 10 weeks and it's like it was yesterday. We are still smoothing out the medical issues that came out of just the c-section. At the very least I'll have another surgery around January but who knows what else needs to be done. The scenarios go around and around in my mind, with the choices we made and what we could've done instead. If we would've lived somewhere with better healthcare, if we had been able to get a second opinion, if we weren't so isolated here in this stupid city, if we would've known that Wyatt would die we would have at least given birth and not bothered with a c-section. Life now would at least be physically less painful for me.
I have so many questions about faith and God. I find myself reading stories about heaven to the kids and realizing that I need this information just as much as they do. I'm like a little kid starting from scratch with the most basic questions about God and the world. I have no answers at all and I've never felt farther from God in my life. One things I have found is that this whole world suffers. My tragedy is not unique. I've met so many other people through this experience that have lost babies. This makes me more sensative to all the different kinds of suffering there are in the world. Starving kids in Africa is no longer a joke at dinner time. The thought of a dying child breaks my heart. It's real and it happens. I don't doubt there's a God. I do doubt how much He is doing on earth. Maybe we are supposed to just pray and have faith and expect nothing from Him. Some people die when they shouldn't, some people live when they shouldn't. It's not fair, so is it really God? Is God unfair? Or is He not responsible for the healing or the dying, maybe those are just things that happen in this crappy world.
So many people have told me that Wyatt just gets to be in heaven before we do. If that's so wonderful than why are we trying to keep people from dying? Doesn't that mean that everyone alive is getting the short end of the stick? Why do we even have kids? Why do we have that desire if we really believed heaven was the best place to be? Even now, in the midst of all of this, I long to hold a baby in my arms. In one day I can come full circle from wanting to get pregnant right now to never ever considering getting pregnant again. My poor husband is helpless to watch, especially because I don't understand my moods either. Life has certainly taken it's toll on us. I knew the world wasn't great but couldn't the suffering have waited a few more years for us? I atleast expect about 15 more years of ignorance to the topic of suffering and tragedy.
The other night we had a good friend over who we hadn't seen in years. He and my husband had been great friends but now looked drastically different. Our friend was light and bubbly while my husband could only force smirks. I couldn't help but notice the dark circles under his eyes and how he looked like life had really beat him down. I feel terrible that life has been this way. It's just been too much for any human to take on. I'm not very content on earth anymore. I don't find enjoyment in songs or car rides or quiet times or even sitting in the sun (my favorite pasttime). Everything seems pointless and nothing seems important. Nothing quenches what I need...and I'm not even sure what that is. I want to be with Wyatt, wherever he is, and I feel guilty that life will suck one day for my kids as well, they just don't know it yet.
So as this week passes I wonder how Wyatt would've been born, if I would have finally gotten to the hospital in time to receive pain medication, if he would've been a good nurser, what doctor would've been there etc. What would his birthday have really been? What would he have been for Halloween? I always pictured standing with our neighbors, holding our newborn as the kids went trick-or-treating. All of these visions are not my reality and it makes me nauseous. We loved Wyatt. We would've been great parents. My husband is the only father on the block who is outside playing ball with the kids and being involved in their lives. He deserved a son. He would've been great.