Grief

I haven't written in a while. I've wanted to every single day but honestly....I just haven't been sure what to write. I think this is the "huh" phase of grief. I'm not sure if that's 'technically' a phase of grief, but it is for me. For almost four weeks I've cried uncontrollably at least a few times every single day. Then it subsided. I've still cried once a day this last week, but I've been much more numb. I've also started to talk to people....fairly well, I think. I've managed to go to church and our church group and be ok in those places. I finally got some groceries. It's interesting to me, that I feel like I have more reason than I ever have to be mean and cynical to people. After all, most have no idea what I've gone through and what I'm going through. Losing Wyatt has done something to me, though. I feel even more need to be very polite. I'm very quiet and soft-spoken which have never been traits of mine. I can't tell if I'm worn out and beat down or that I'm seeing life as more fragile and precious. Or possibly both. I haven't gotten short with my children, no matter how much they've acted out. At least they're alive. I want them to know how precious they are to me. I wonder if Wyatt knows how precious he was and is to me still? I never got to hold him while he was living, so I wonder how he would know how very much I love him?
There are many aspects to this "huh" phase. I've changed personally somehow. I'm a different parent. I also stopped my degree and with it all future plans for a career. I don't even know if that's the right career anymore. If it's not, than what do I do with life? When do I go back to school? Where do I go back to school? If I don't go back to school, what do I do? I can't watch hardly anything on TV. It's all so sad and I never noticed it before. Every law show or crime show...someone is always getting hurt. Those are human lives being lost, why would I want to watch that for enjoyment?Then there are reality shows full of stupid people putting priorities in the wrong place and thinking stupid things are important. Really? Why in the world would I watch those? Movies, too, are all so violent and ridiculous. Full of very unimportant things. You know what's important? Family. That's it. Not cars or careers or money or how many people you can date, or who looks better or who can win money....everything seems frivolous. While things are complicated for me right now, they are in some ways very simple. Everything that I thought was important really wasn't. My kids, my husband, their health and my health. That's what is important. I've had to take the past 5 weeks and do everything that I can to try and heal and regain my health. I can finally walk again, and bend somewhat to pick things up. The very small and simple things I had taken for granted I am now so thankful to be able to do. Like sleep without excruciating pain (there is still pain, but the excruciating part has subsided), or go to the bathroom in a somewhat normal manner, or sit up, or get a glass of water by myself. Up until about 5 days ago I couldn't even take a deep enough breathe to speak loudly. Being able to do some of these things again has made me feel grateful for the most basic bodily functions. As I feel like I've regained some ability, however, I have shifted my focus back to Wyatt. I lost a son. It still seems surreal. I have two babies in heaven now before me. It breaks my heart. Even with faith in God death is a scary thing. It's mysterious, people don't come back to tell us it's ok on the other side. Wyatt went there and I wasn't there to protect him or go there with him. I feel very helpless, it was my parental responsibility to protect him and I couldn't do it.
Moving like a sloth is also part of where I am. I feel almost mindless and cannot focus on anything. I haven't driven anywhere since we lost Wyatt and I'm honestly nervous to. There are moments throughout the day when I feel like I'm doing ok, and then I go to do something- like get dressed or shower or get something in another room- and it takes ten times as long as it normally would have. Everything is challenge. It feels like I'm learning motorskills all over again. Tyler will talk to me and I don't hear what he says. It's not that I am thinking about something else or listening to something else....I just didn't hear. This is the first time in my life that my brain is "nowhere". It just goes off, somewhere, like it checks out for moments at a time.
While I don't cry all the time now, crying and becoming hyperemotional is very easy. Even if it's a moment that I am not thinking of Wyatt, I tear up. I was watching a documentary on Jesus last night and I burst out into tears. I am meeting many people who have lost children (it's like a secret club that you never wanted to be a part of) and seeing pictures of their babies or hearing their stories make me cry uncontrollably. Singing in church starts the tears all over again. I sing words to God that I'm not really pleased with. Talking about anything in the future with my husbands makes us cry because Wyatt was supposed to be here on our life journey.
I have strong phobias that popped up in the hospital, the day after they took Wyatt away. I am TERRIFIED of being alone. The dark scares the hell out of me. I feel like life is so fragile that I could lose any other member of my family at any moment. Lexi coughs during the night and I think she's suffocating. She has slept in a few times and I make Tyler wake her up because I'm scared there is something wrong. Tyler drove the kids to a store while I rested and I was in a panic the whole time that they would get in a car accident and I would lose the rest of my family. I've never been gripped by so much fear before. I have this urgent need to hold everyone I love close and cherish them.
The whole shape of our family is changing again. I believe we have 9 months of pregnancy to prepare emotionally and physically for an addition to the family. By the time the baby comes you have a good grasp that life will include one more person. In one instant our family went from 6 to 5 and we don't have months to adjust to that number. A doctor told us that they had heard it takes about year before you feel "normal" moments again. Initially that seemed like a long time but I get it now. Wyatt was going to be with us forever. But certainly everything in the next year was planned with him. The holidays we planned around having a new baby. The winter we counted on combatting a new infant with my infamous seasonal depression. The summer we planned on getting easier with Wyatt getting older and then back around to his first birthday. All of these things remind us of him. Our family Christmas ornament has Wyatt on it. We were about to order his personalized Christmas stocking to match the rest of ours. I don't have a use for the infant car seat winter cover that I bought to help with the strong Idaho winters. I kept trying to recover physically so I can get on with life, but I don't think that will happen. I don't think there will be a "get back to normal". I don't think you're ever the same again. That can be good or bad, and right now I don't feel either.  
There is a grief creed that the hospital chaplains sent us. I think it accurately describes my life right now.

I believe grief is a process that involves a lot of time, energy, and determination. I won't "get over it" in a hurry, so don't rush me!
I believe grief is intensely personal. This is my grief. Don't tell me how I should be doing it. Don't tell me what's right or what's wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time.
I believe grief is affecting me in many ways. I am being affected spiritually, physically, emotionally, socially, and mentally. If I'm not acting like my old self, it's because I'm not my old self and some days I don't even understand myself.
I believe I will be affected in some way by this loss for the rest of my life. As I get older, I will have new insights into what this death means to me. My loved one will continue to be a part of my life and influence me until the day I die.
I believe I am being changed by this process. I see life differently. Some things that were once important to me aren't anymore. Some things I used to pay little or no attention to are now important. I think a new me is emerging, so don't be surprised-and don't stand in the way.