The holidays this year were the more challenging of my life but it was also the most meaningful of my life. It was hard to hang up Wyatt's stocking or answer my daughter's questions on Christmas morning as to why Santa forgot Wyatt. I wish my son had been here for Christmas. I wish I still wasn't in so much pain that it was hard to eat Christmas dinner. It hardly seems fair that 5 months later we are still dealing with the fall-out of major surgery. My 6 year-old told me she didn't want kids because of the cut I had and they way "they" take babies out. I ended up revealing God's way of having babies be born and she seemed much more ok with that.
This year, however, I can easily say is the first year that I "got it". My entire life I've known why we have Christmas. I've preached that it's not about the presents, it's about Jesus. But really it was still about the presents. And the lights on the house. And the music. And the cool wrapping paper. And the snacks I could bake and feed everyone. And the friends I could impress. I even said "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" and was relieved that my children were still allowed to have "Christmas" parties at school. I passed along those emails preaching to other people about the true meaning of Christmas. I've been a Christian my whole life and I didn't even get it enough to know that I didn't get it.
And then I lost my son.And then a few weeks ago my family sat down to watch the "Nativity Story" on dvd so that I could try and show my kids the true meaning of Christmas. I realized how far off the mark we were when I explained to her that it was only about Jesus and she replied "Then what are all the presents for?" I wanted to answer that it was because the wisemen gave Jesus gifts, but seriously, who are we trying to kid? How far from the wisemen's gifts have we come? For the past two weeks it's taken me 45 minutes to get two blocks down the road because of the shopping traffic. So as we watched the movie I thought of what it really would have been like for Mary. How a mother feels when she is pregnant. She seemed obliging to God for whatever His plan was but certainly she had to love her baby like the rest of us love ours. Hindsight is 20/20 and we all know the details of why Jesus came and what he went through. But take that away for a moment. Try and know only what Mary would have known. God sent His son. He had a plan. He was going to be a king and savior. Did she know he had to die to save all of us from the crap that we do? Would she have been so obliging to that? I know that God is God, but when I look at my children's faces I cannot fathom them being tortured and killed to save everyone on this planet from sin. It might sound terrible but I don't care about anyone else that much. Those are my babies. If people want to make bad choices then that's their own problem. I watched the scene of Mary and Joseph holding their baby in a new way, with a new mind. I started crying looking at the face of the baby and thinking of the scenes in the Passion of the Christ where Jesus is ridiculed and tortured. That poor baby! That poor man! I will never be able to fathom what the weight of the world felt like on his shoulders. Jesus seemed to be obliging to God's plan as well but I'm sure he wasn't thrilled about it. I started thinking about everything bad I've done in my life. From the small things, like tiny lies or being disgruntle with the kids when there was no cause, to the larger things, like less than appropriate behavior, a divorce etc. So much of life was spent thinking certain things were important. Things that I thought were important. But they weren't really. They weren't at all. Everything I've ever thought was important, from my looks to things that I own, are not important at all. I couldn't be a good person if I tried. Not the kind of person God and Jesus want us to be. I could never avoid a snicker here and there at someone's expense. I can't be a perfect mother, although I try so hard. I was a pain in the ass daughter and I'm sure I'm the same kind of wife at times. I can't save myself from the bad things I do. But Jesus did. He did that for people he didn't even know. He did that, literally, for the people who killed him. I can't imagine Mary's pain, watching her son fullfill God's plan. When Wyatt passed away I was mad at God for so long. He and I still have some business to work out. I couldn't believe that was part of His plan. There had to be a better plan. I think Mary thought the same thing- there could've been a better, less painful way. I know that Jesus was part of a plan. I am not sure if Wyatt was, but I can't help but think of similarities in the way a mother feels about their baby. I think a lot of us just assume we going to heaven while we sit down and enjoy our lives in whatever way pleases us. I want to go to heaven. I have a son I need to go meet. And I'm finally learning that earth is not all it's cracked up to be. We get one body and mine is having trouble working right now. Thank God there is more than this life. THANK GOD there is something way better because this place sucks.
So this Christmas I sang the Christmas carols in a different way. I'm much more grateful that Jesus was born. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for being born. Thank you God for saving me from myself. Thank you for allowing me to go to a better place than earth! I watched the Polar Express with my kids feeling all the magic and wonder of that movie, wishing there really was a Santa Claus. But this year I feel like there is something just as amazing. The story of Jesus being born. Merry Christmas!
:)
ReplyDelete