What I Would say to my "Care Providers"...

Ok so this is a long time coming. I thought it would be beneficial to some emotional healing. It's kinda graphic and I don't usually talk this way but I wanted it to be truly therapeutic.

What I Would Say to my “Care Providers”

To the NICU doc who handed me sheets of statistical charts and acted coldy like my son’s survival chances were a mathematical equation….

First of all get the fuck out of my room you old fuckin’ dumb ass. Shit’s probably changed since you went to school in the 1920’s but the last time I checked only God knows what the hell is gonna happen. You better take a long walk off a short pier, especially since I’m terrified and alone in this hospital room. When my husband comes back you’re the first on the hit list.

To the nurse who put the catheter in long before the surgery room was ready and an epidural was placed…

Dumb fuckin’ bitch. That shit hurts. Come here, give me your urethra and let me shove this shit up yours and see how long you enjoy it for.

To the anesthesiologist who couldn’t seem to figure out the intended purpose of anesthesia…

I can feel this shit! This fucking hurts, yes I DO know that they are cutting me open because I can feel it! You wanna get on this table? I’m telling your fucking monkey face that I feel this shit. What’s that? Do I want a relaxer? No! I want some fucking anesthesia that actually anesthetizes! I can tell you exactly what organ you guys are playing football with at this moment! I hope you get a fucking vasectomy without anesthesia you piece of goat shit. You look like you were born in a fucking barn, by the way.

To the Maternal/Fetal Medicine Specialist, whom I was briefed I was so lucky to have because there’s only like, 7, in the whole country….

Look you dumb fucking hillbilly shit kickers, there’s 7 specialists just in the DFW metroplex alone, if not more. There might be 7 in all of Idaho but don’t go tootin’ your horn before you know what the facts are. Thanks for telling me if I wanted my son to live I had to consent to a classical c-section. Too bad I heard you in the hall letting the other mother with the same issue labor because “she didn’t have insurance”.  I saw the face you made when I said I wanted a larger family- my birth control is not up to your hands, or even your opinion! Don’t sit there and tell me I have to choose between giving birth ever again and saving my current sons life because those two don’t even have to be in the same category, but thanks for putting them there. You’re such a stupid whore that apparently you’re confused on what informed consent really is. Since I apparently have more common sense, let me enlighten you! It’s not seeing me two weeks post-surgery and telling me that I’m probably gonna die in another birth because I’m at a huge risk for hysterectomy, placenta accreta, blood transfusions etc. All information that would have been just fucking dandy to know while I was laying there making a damned decision. By the way, giving a patient one option doesn’t really allow them to make a fucking decision. As youre digging around my insides, thanks for talking about your fucking labs while I’m praying with all my heart and soul that my son is ok. I hope the fucking UPS man backs over your fucking dogs while you’re pulling up the driveway coming home tonight. I bet you don’t know it, but the image of you chatting over my abdomen is seared into my brain FOREVER. Too bad you’re an old, ugly skank. And thanks for being so rough with my insides that I’ll never voluntarily have a bowel movement ever again. Every time I wish I could poop your face appears in my mind. A nurse informed us that you don’t usually do any of the surgeries, so if you’re not the one who usually does the surgeries, then STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE OR!

TO the NICU doctor who severed my son’s trachea, ultimately killing him…

WHAT THE FUCK??? Do you have any idea what it’s like to hold your dead son who is inflated like a fucking party balloon? It’s a trachea you stupid incompetent piece of ass crap. How can you miss that shit? It’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s like your ONLY fucking job! If our military ran the way you do your fucking job we’d never get a plane off the fucking ground! And at what point did you notice his body filling with air? It obviously took a while you dumb shit. How the fuck do you even find your way out of bed in the morning? Life must be real challenging for you, since your motor skills are so bad and all. Nice cover story, by the way, that no one else in the city could have done better. First of all, it’s Boise, so I half way believe that. Too bad I’ve met hundreds of women with smaller, earlier babies who were all intubated perfectly you fucking murderer. I hope you don’t sleep another night for the rest of you pathetic fucking life.

To the midwife who told me she would help me vbac but the doctors she worked with wouldn’t let her…

You’re a fucking coward. Be part of the solution or part of the problem and you are DEFINITELY part of the problem!

I may not have been smart enough before but I won’t be caught stupid again.